Sunday was pretty much a numb day for me. I spent most of that day wrestling with God. I was in a foul mood from the time I got up, but I was really trying to keep it to myself because this was Robert’s day — his graduation day and I did not want any of my meltdowns to have an effect on his special day. So I pretty much just kept quiet.

Later that day however, Stephen said something that I did not agree with to our son, and instead of being quiet, I lashed out at him. Now normally, when I lash out — it is over and done with in just a few minutes. But on this day — because of how I was feeling, I just kept it going and going. For some reason, I just could not let things go.

We went through the day to Robert’s graduation celebration at church and everything seemed fine. I thought that maybe I was beginning to calm down and get a hold of whatever was bothering me, but the minute we walked in the door, I felt it starting up again.

I snapped at Stephen a couple of more times that night and then huffed off to bed. Little did I know that when I went to bed, it would be a turn of events for me.

Wrestling with God

I am not one to fight with God too much, but with this writing thing and what He is wanting to use me to do — I don’t know — I just find it hard that He wants to use me in such a profound way.

Anyway –

I went to bed mad at Stephen and on the verge of tears. I wanted so badly to tell my husband how I was feeling, but fear was holding me back. On the outside everything looked fine, but on the inside I was screaming — screaming to get relief from this torture I was feeling.

The problem? I could not sleep after going to bed.

I tossed and turned for EVER because I was wrestling with God, and then finally with a huff, I got up and went into the living room. While there, I thought I would get some reading done, so I finished the book Freefall to Fly: A Breathtaking Journey Toward a Life of Meaning and as I am reading this book, I feel the panic start to rise in my throat. The tears begin to fall — the ones I had been holding back all day.

Wrestling With God

“Lord, WHY do you keep asking me to do this? Why me? I’m not some college graduate with a journalistic degree. I have not had any schooling on how to write. Lord, please — why me? WHY?”

The questions to God came hard and fast and it was all I could do to catch my breath. Like Rebekah in the book, when I feel out of control, many times I get short of breath and feel captured and helpless to do anything. At this moment, that is what was happening.

I cried for what seemed like hours. I fought hard. I held my ground. I gave God every logical excuse as to why someone else was the woman for this job. I kept arguing all night that I was not the one to do this. Tired from all the crying I finally went to bed.

Then in the morning light

Wrestling with God

Getting up the next morning, Stephen knew something other than being mad at him was bothering me. He kept asking until I finally broke down and started crying again.

“I’m scared of failing.”

“What if I can’t hack it as a writer?”

“What if I let everyone down?”

“What if I am wrong?”

“Who’s gonna buy my books and read them?”

“I don’t want to fail. I am so very scared of accepting this task and then failing, letting everyone around me down. I don’t know if I can do this.”

My husband walked over to me and hugged me tight.

“Honey, I believe in you and this gift that God has given you. Just trust Him. We both have to. I’ll support you in whatever way I need to so you can use this amazing gift.”

With those words, I cried a bit harder. I just did not know if I could do this or not.

When Confirmations Come

Within minutes of me talking to my husband, I received two confirmations from friends who don’t know each other. One was from an Instagram friend who tagged me in something she read online. It said:

There’s something to be said for just doing it. So many people try to figure everything out & stay stuck. Just do it without all the answers. You’ll figure so much out in the middle of the journey! MOVE IT!

Then about a minute later, I received a text from my best friend. I had prayed for her the day before and shared a word with her that God spoke to my heart regarding her life — and it was the same one that God was speaking to her at that same moment. She told me:

Thank you for praying for me. You go and write your book. You hear from God girl. Your obedience is amazing.

At that moment, I broke down and really started crying. I shared the confirmations with my husband and all I could think was this:

Why me? I am such a small and insignificant part of God’s kingdom. There are so many more women who speak and write so much better than I do, but God is calling me into this ministry.

I finally succumbed to the fight against God, and with tears streaming down my face, I said yes to His call to write my book. I have put this off for way too many years and have given Him every excuse as to why I could not do it right now. He is making and paving a path for me that I would be stupid not to walk down.

All I can say is that when you truly wrestle with God, you walk away with a limp just as Jacob did the night he fought with God and just like me as I fought with God over this whole writing thing. I have said yes in the past, but this time was different. God is really ON ME about NOW — writing NOW and not waiting.

So — I will be spending time writing and writing and writing and writing. I will keep you updated because I love all of you :)

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7 Responses to Wrestling with God

  • Cheryl Smith says:

    Jennifer, I am SO proud of you, girl! Sometimes God lays something so heavily upon our hearts that we can no longer ignore it. We can no longer run from it. We must move, and the only way He allows us to move is FORWARD. God never asks us to do something without furnishing every single thing we need to get it done. Having the support of your dear husband is like Aaron and Hur holding up the arms of Moses when he became weary in the battle. God is so faithful to place people in our lives who will hold our feet to the fire, believe in what HE wants to accomplish through us, and give us the consistent support we need to keep going. I am so looking forward to reading your book. This is not a pipe dream…it is GOD’s dream for you. HIS DREAMS ALWAYS COME TRUE! Keep pressing on, and don’t give up! And thanks ever so much for stopping by my blog and leaving encouragement behind for me today. It meant so much! Love, Cheryl

    • Jennifer Sikora says:

      Thanks for stopping by today Cheryl and sharing these words with me. They have ministered so much today.

  • Anne S. says:

    Hey Jennifer. Thanks so much for being faithful to the fight! I fully believe God doesn’t mind when we wrestle because we are fully engaged with Him! I recently came across this quote from Maya Angelou: “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” You’ve made your way through the agony…now it’s time to let that story out! Keep on writing, sister!
    Anne S. recently posted…Trusting the ProcessMy Profile

  • Mandy says:

    Wow, Jen! What a powerful experience! You have a great man, great friends, and a great God:) They are quite wise too. Go for it! He will equip you, girl. All that doubt and harassment you’re feeling may just mean you are on the verge of something big for Him. And thanks for this wonderfully honest look at the wrestle that we all go through at times but may be unwilling to admit. Also, your words on my blog today were so thoughtful and kind. Thank you!
    Mandy recently posted…Dear Jesus, Remember When…My Profile

  • Pingback: My God Sized Dream: The Next Step | Jen's Journey

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