Sunday was pretty much a numb day for me. I spent most of that day wrestling with God. I was in a foul mood from the time I got up, but I was really trying to keep it to myself because this was Robert’s day — his graduation day and I did not want any of my meltdowns to have an effect on his special day. So I pretty much just kept quiet.
Later that day however, Stephen said something that I did not agree with to our son, and instead of being quiet, I lashed out at him. Now normally, when I lash out — it is over and done with in just a few minutes. But on this day — because of how I was feeling, I just kept it going and going. For some reason, I just could not let things go.
We went through the day to Robert’s graduation celebration at church and everything seemed fine. I thought that maybe I was beginning to calm down and get a hold of whatever was bothering me, but the minute we walked in the door, I felt it starting up again.
I snapped at Stephen a couple of more times that night and then huffed off to bed. Little did I know that when I went to bed, it would be a turn of events for me.
I am not one to fight with God too much, but with this writing thing and what He is wanting to use me to do — I don’t know — I just find it hard that He wants to use me in such a profound way.
I went to bed mad at Stephen and on the verge of tears. I wanted so badly to tell my husband how I was feeling, but fear was holding me back. On the outside everything looked fine, but on the inside I was screaming — screaming to get relief from this torture I was feeling.
The problem? I could not sleep after going to bed.
I tossed and turned for EVER because I was wrestling with God, and then finally with a huff, I got up and went into the living room. While there, I thought I would get some reading done, so I finished the book Freefall to Fly: A Breathtaking Journey Toward a Life of Meaning and as I am reading this book, I feel the panic start to rise in my throat. The tears begin to fall — the ones I had been holding back all day.
Wrestling With God
“Lord, WHY do you keep asking me to do this? Why me? I’m not some college graduate with a journalistic degree. I have not had any schooling on how to write. Lord, please — why me? WHY?”
The questions to God came hard and fast and it was all I could do to catch my breath. Like Rebekah in the book, when I feel out of control, many times I get short of breath and feel captured and helpless to do anything. At this moment, that is what was happening.
I cried for what seemed like hours. I fought hard. I held my ground. I gave God every logical excuse as to why someone else was the woman for this job. I kept arguing all night that I was not the one to do this. Tired from all the crying I finally went to bed.
Then in the morning light
Getting up the next morning, Stephen knew something other than being mad at him was bothering me. He kept asking until I finally broke down and started crying again.
“I’m scared of failing.”
“What if I can’t hack it as a writer?”
“What if I let everyone down?”
“What if I am wrong?”
“Who’s gonna buy my books and read them?”
“I don’t want to fail. I am so very scared of accepting this task and then failing, letting everyone around me down. I don’t know if I can do this.”
My husband walked over to me and hugged me tight.
“Honey, I believe in you and this gift that God has given you. Just trust Him. We both have to. I’ll support you in whatever way I need to so you can use this amazing gift.”
With those words, I cried a bit harder. I just did not know if I could do this or not.
When Confirmations Come
Within minutes of me talking to my husband, I received two confirmations from friends who don’t know each other. One was from an Instagram friend who tagged me in something she read online. It said:
There’s something to be said for just doing it. So many people try to figure everything out & stay stuck. Just do it without all the answers. You’ll figure so much out in the middle of the journey! MOVE IT!
Then about a minute later, I received a text from my best friend. I had prayed for her the day before and shared a word with her that God spoke to my heart regarding her life — and it was the same one that God was speaking to her at that same moment. She told me:
Thank you for praying for me. You go and write your book. You hear from God girl. Your obedience is amazing.
At that moment, I broke down and really started crying. I shared the confirmations with my husband and all I could think was this:
Why me? I am such a small and insignificant part of God’s kingdom. There are so many more women who speak and write so much better than I do, but God is calling me into this ministry.
I finally succumbed to the fight against God, and with tears streaming down my face, I said yes to His call to write my book. I have put this off for way too many years and have given Him every excuse as to why I could not do it right now. He is making and paving a path for me that I would be stupid not to walk down.
All I can say is that when you truly wrestle with God, you walk away with a limp just as Jacob did the night he fought with God and just like me as I fought with God over this whole writing thing. I have said yes in the past, but this time was different. God is really ON ME about NOW — writing NOW and not waiting.
So — I will be spending time writing and writing and writing and writing. I will keep you updated because I love all of you